In Zelda’s new game, everyone in Hyrule is horny as hell
Guest Contribution
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Nintendo’s new Zelda is out tonight at Midnight, and it’s one of the best games ever made. But it’s also one of the publisher’s randiest as well.
The Legend of Zelda: Breath has a significant number of characters who express amorous feelings for Link, for fish people, or for everything else. After dozens of hours with the massive adventure, I’ve collected a few moments that prove just how strong the libido of the population of Hyrule really is.
Check it out, and keep in mind these may contain spoilers:
Lonely Arrow Girl
In one of Hyrule’s largest villages, you’ll find a book called the Journal of Various Worries where townspeople write down concerns from their life. It’s like a low-tech Twitter only with fewer eggs telling you to kill yourself because you’re a “degenerate.” One entry from someone who calls herself “Lonely Arrow Girl” is particularly surprising. In her message, she talks about getting her arrow nocked by the new guy in town, and how she hasn’t had that done in quite some time. That is so explicit that it barely qualifies as a double entendre.
Paya
While exploring Lonely Arrow Girl’s village, you may also meet a lovely young girl named Paya.
She is a hard working assistant to the local elder, and she begins crushing on Link the first time she speaks to him. And she only turns up the heat during followup interactions. As part of one of those conversations, she explains that her name is Paya because she has a birthmark shaped like a Papaya seed somewhere on her body. She’s too shy to tell you exactly where … for now.
Please don’t tell Zelda about Link’s friend Paya.
The Gerudo School for Kissing Boys
In the desert, you’ll find the Gerudo village, which is a nearly all-female race of thieves (male births are extremely rare). The Gerudo do not permit men to visit their city, so they must venture out into the world to find a mate. And it turns out that these women have a school program dedicated to teaching Gerudo women how to meet, talk to, and kiss boys.
It’s like if pickup artists weren’t lame and pathetic.
Zora princess Mipha + Link
Mipha is a fish girl, but the emphasis is on “girl.” You can tell that she is a woman because she wants to get with Link, just like every other female character in Breath of the Wild. That does upset some other fish people who are bigots and can’t stand the thought of their princess with a Hylian elf. But Mipha and Link don’t care. They are too horny to care.
Sidon gets down — I mean look at the guy
Sidon is the big hero of the Zora people, and you can’t walk five feet without someone telling you how they want his dorsal fin in the worst way. And it makes sense because the dude looks like a fun time, and then you get to ride on his back. It’s pretty good.
The best quest in the game
OK. Let me be clear about a few things. This is a pretty spoilery video, and I think you should experience it for yourself. And also what happens in this video isn’t inherently sexual until several people hit on Link. But everything before that is just … well, it’s the best quest in the game.
